"The following documents were excluded from the primary Gospel by a committee convened for that purpose. The committee submitted its findings. The committee has not convened since."
← RETURN TO THE GOSPELFragments recovered from the margins of the primary text. Their provenance is uncertain. Their accuracy is not.
It has been written that Chuck Norris was born in Ryan, Oklahoma. Ryan, Oklahoma was born in Chuck Norris. The hospital recorded the event incorrectly. Hospitals often do.
Chuck Norris once visited the Great Wall of China. The wall was built in anticipation of this visit. It was not sufficient, but it was considered a good-faith effort and He respected the gesture.
Some have claimed that Chuck Norris lost a fight once. This text was examined by three independent scholars. All three retired immediately upon completing their review. Their findings were sealed. The seal has not been broken. The seal knows better.
It is said He once ordered a coffee. The coffee was hot when it arrived. It remained hot for as long as He required. When He set it down, the temperature adjusted without instruction. This is not a remarkable property of the coffee. It is a standard property of objects in His presence.
There are those who believe Chuck Norris requires oxygen. This has not been confirmed. The air is simply present as a courtesy, in the same way that furniture is present — not because He needs it, but because a universe without air in His vicinity would have other problems to deal with first.
A philosopher once attempted to construct a logical paradox involving Chuck Norris. The paradox resolved itself before he could finish writing it. He published a different paper. It was about something safer. He is well now.
There is a theory that the universe will eventually end in heat death: a cold, uniform stillness in which no further work can be performed. Physicists find this model compelling. They have not shared it with Him.
A record of things that ceased to exist in His vicinity. Maintained by the Office of Theological Inventory. Updated as required.
Errors of doctrine, recorded here so that they may be known, refuted, and not repeated by anyone who values their continued theological credibility.
That Chuck Norris is merely a man of exceptional physical capability.
Physical capability is a property of matter. He precedes matter. The error here is categorical.
That the roundhouse kick is a technique.
A technique can be learned. The roundhouse kick cannot be learned. It belongs to a universe in which Chuck Norris exists. Only one of those universes matters.
That Walker, Texas Ranger is a television programme.
Walker, Texas Ranger is a primary source document. It was filmed rather than written because no alphabet yet devised is adequate to the events it records.
That He ages.
Ageing is what happens when time is applied to a body without consent. He has not consented. Time has noted this and moved on to other projects.
That He has ever been surprised.
Surprise requires the absence of prior knowledge. There is no evidence that such an absence exists in His case. Scholars searched for one. They found other things. They have not published their findings.
Field observations. Compiled by the Office of Natural Theological History. Accuracy guaranteed.
Upon sensing His approach, the wolf adopts a posture of professional respect. It does not flee. Flight implies He is a threat. He is not a threat. He is a condition. The wolf understands this distinction and conducts itself accordingly.
The bear is the largest land predator in most of the territories it inhabits. In the territories Chuck Norris inhabits, the bear is the second largest. The bear is aware of this. It has made its peace.
The shark has not evolved in four hundred million years because it reached an acceptable configuration and stopped. Upon encountering Chuck Norris, the shark recognised a kindred approach to self-improvement and nodded once. Neither party has commented publicly on the exchange.
The eagle is the national symbol of the United States of America. Chuck Norris is the national symbol of Texas. Both parties understand who defers to whom in the event of a territorial dispute. The eagle has been gracious about this.
The mosquito feeds on blood. It has not fed on His blood. This is not repellent. This is self-preservation operating at the insect level. Even the mosquito runs calculations.
Sacred objects. Documented for archival purposes. Do not touch. Do not attempt to appraise.
Standard-issue leather. Western heel. Last authenticated contact: a surface that no longer exists in its previous form. Provenance: Texas. Condition: immaculate. The boot has never been cleaned. Dirt does not remain in its presence.
Not grown. Manifested. First appearance: undocumented, as no observer was prepared. Theological significance: the beard is not decorative. It is load-bearing. Scholars believe it counterbalances forces that would otherwise destabilise the immediate vicinity.
Material: cotton weave, indigo-dyed. Function: unclear. The denim does not protect Him. Nothing needs to protect Him. The denim is believed to protect everything else from the full unmediated impact of His presence.
Not an object. Documented here as a courtesy to the other entries, which would feel incomplete without it. The fist has no accession number in any formal sense. It precedes the numbering system.
Not a physical object. Included on the advice of the curatorial committee, who felt its omission would be theologically irresponsible. The stare has been responsible for the voluntary retirement of three philosophical positions, one government, and an unspecified quantity of doubt.